The History of Our India Family Education Fund Project
Phase One
Ten years ago I met Amit when I was in Delhi (long story). Somehow, we stayed in touch even though he barely spoke English when we met, even though he's illiterate in his own language, even though the technology was almost non-existent during year one and spotty for a couple of years after that.
I was broke and in the throes of my own financial disaster (the trip to attend a wedding there was made possible with a few bucks I had leftover after my mom had died) and I couldn't, for the life of me, offer him any assistance at all. It's the natural inclination for most anyone in our culture to see abject poverty and want to do something to help, particularly since, in this case, a little for us goes a long way for them. But I was shockingly, painfully powerless in that regard and, thus, fortuitously, I'd say, our relationship developed as what always felt like brothers from other mothers. Here's what I was working with at the time. 😱
He had told me early on that even though he never went to school for more than a year or two when he was very young, the oldest of his three children was attending but there was no way the youngest two would be able to because of affordability. I came to learn that when we met in a vibrant, touristy part of Delhi within hours of my arrival there, he was actually begging for money! But he was so bad at it and I was too dense to see anything other than the excitement of meeting interesting people from other cultures that I didn't even notice. 😂
As the months and years went by, I grew to truly honor and respect this man for who he is. I have said a million times that I'd have hired him then in my own company (if it was up and running) and still would. He may be illiterate but he is quite smart and extremely intuitive. In the year that had passed between when we met and when we actually connected by phone, he had learned English enough that we were communicating quite well. Turns out he'd had something of an extended gig shining shoes, I think, or something like it, around English speakers, hardly a foreign concept in Delhi, but there it/he was.
I have a million screenshots like this, these are just examples. (That's his youngest, Jeetu, peeking over his shoulder.)
We bonded over shared experiences of poverty, yes, but that was the least of it. We enjoyed a genuine, fulfilling connection. I always joked that he picked the wrong American to connect with! I also realized at some point that this relationship was affording me an opportunity via daily and usually twice-daily video chats, to do with him, somewhat surreptitiously, I suppose, the work I do in the world -- helping people from disadvantaged backgrounds to create new realities for themselves. [CLICK .pdf icon for business proposition.]
I always heard the same thing from him -- and from peers of his whom I met and spent time with when I was there: "this (life) is my karma;" "this is my bad luck." As concepts, karma and luck are embedded in Indian/Hindu culture and I'm not ever here to tell anyone to be anything other than who and what they are. Yet over time, I shared with him my own experiences of believing that I had had bad luck and that good things didn't typically happen for me and that I'd learned that luck had far less to do with it and that attraction had far more to do with it and fundamental to all of it is a belief that "everything is possible."
I repeated this to him time and again, continued to share how I came to believe that everything is possible, continued to share how my own practice was all about lifting myself out of the situation I was in, not dissimilar to his, and guess what? He came to believe it, too. Then it was he who began to end every single conversation with, "remember, Biya (big brother), everything is possible."
During all of this time and as the sole breadwinner of his family -- wife, Bhagwati, children Dhruv, Anushka, and Jeetu, and his mother, a widow, who spends most, not all, of her time in his hometown far away from the city -- he would start each day foraging in the city for work. Sometimes he'd find some, sometimes not, always struggling to pay the rent on the one room they all shared in the slums of Delhi. All the while coming to believe that everything is possible. This is them, at home in 2016, two years after we met.
The fact that I could NOT offer so much as a dollar of assistance on my own, for those first four years, created the space for our relationship to be about everything else.
For the record, HE NEVER EVER aked for anything, ever, not even a hint of that, but I always wanted to provide and finally, it seemed, that it was time to attempt to support him in some way, especially with school, with help from collection of my friends and, even, a few of their friends. First, his daughter Anushka entered school (2017) followed by, Jeetu (2018), each pictured on their first days in this smattering of old pictures to give you an idea of how our funds were used for tuition, books, supplies, and uniforms. The two youngest were now in school. Phew. (Meet Amit in the video below, about 1.5 minutes in, after this was all secured, him thanking us.)
The difference wasn't me or my circle as we were always here. The difference was his belief. The difference was his energy had changed. He was no longer the guy who thought he was doomed to live the life he was living and only the life he was living. And that's what my work is about.
Next, inspiration to level up the project, to match his expanded energy, came from the best work Amit had ever found to that point: substitute driving an autorickshaw or tuk-tuk, like you see all over south Asia. He'd put on his best clothes and drive a few hours here and there, sharing profits with the owner of the tuk-tuk.
Phase Two
Let's get this man some permanent work! With his own autorickshaw/tuk-tuk, he would be an instant entrepreneur, in charge of his time, secure in having work and the ability to grow it. An absolute game-changer and while our team of supporters fell short of being able to buy it outright, we essentially paid for half for a "previously owned" tuk-tuk in 2018, financed the other half for three years, covering that monthly expense for him while he got it all up and running. That also included all the licensing and insurance and maintenance fees plus parking and it was fascinating to see him navigate that system as an illiterate, with tremendous support from his own friend circle.
(For the record, the kids seem nervous and stilted in the video below when they typically aren't. It's clearly Amit wanting to be sure they, as a family, were demonstrating the sincere appreciation they had.)
He/we had set up a bank account for him for this. So whatever I'd collect each month from whomever was willing and participating, I'd send to him, he'd withdraw it, and make his installments in cash. We were never late and we never missed. Phew again.
A little more than a year into it, he was truly getting his bearings, his daily/weekly income/profit averages were up and starting to support the household, we were maintaining the monthly payments on his behalf, mostly on GoFundMe and also stepping up for big expenses like, for example, the annual purchase of school books, uniforms, supplies and such plus a single donated phone as Amit's had died and -- and then the pandemic hit. We all know that those at the bottom of society, the most poor, took the hardest hits -- here, there, and everywhere. Nobody out and about. Gas prices through the roof. A calamity. And a serious need to replace Amit's phone, which had already been in lousy condition, as all three kids would be getting their school assignments via What's App. Oy.
He/we muddled through but when the tuk-tuk was paid off, at the end of 2021, I felt that my friends had done their parts and entered a phase of really awful times. It wasn't the responsibility of my friends to support this family after all they'd done. And it wasn't my responsibility, either, to save them from one emergency after another, though that's what I and my virtually zero resources slipped into before I knew it. Serious stuff, like an eye surgery for Mama, Amit's mother, with whom I have somehow developed a very close connection, ❤️, is but one example. Before and after:
So the seal of money NEVER being a part of our relationship had been broken and it was a massive problem for me. Before I knew it, I had morphed into being, for all intents and purposes, the sole breadwinner for a family of six on the other side of the world when that was never my desire or intention and not something I was equipped to do even if I'd wanted to. This was just one example of however bad things were for me, they were worse for them, I could plug the hole in the moment, though resentment was building up and I know enough about avoiding that dynamic forever. Needless to say, I didn't want to abandon them after so many years so I endeavored to find a way for it to work for me, yes me.
Phase Three
The antidote, the approach that has restored balance to me and my relationship with them, was to refocus my/our support 100% on education. I took us off of GoFundMe and drew a big, heavy, bold red line between me and Amit: I and my friends (very few of the original team left at this point), to the best of our ability, would take responsibility for meeting monthly tuition fees and related expenses for school for all three kids and never, ever did I want to hear so much as a word about any other needs or expenses from him. Ever. It took a few months for him to appreciate just how serious I was, but he most certainly does now and this scheme has been proceeding smoothly since then (roughly 12-18 months or so).
Additionally, I proposed that I would manage this project, as a teaching opportunity, directly and solely with Dhruv, the oldest. Give him some responsibility. Practice communicating in English (not a strong suit for him). I had him set up a separate bank account in Delhi at a different bank, even, from the one I'd always used to deposit money to Amit, Amit would have no access to it, and we were off and running.
This is a pretty recent screenshot of my phone with all three kids : Dhruv, 21, Anushka 13, Jeetu 12. (Or close to that!)
I'm happy to report, it is all working! There's more to do with Dhruv as his skill set to communicate and to even manage a spreadsheet is far less than I thought it would be. All Amit -- and the whole family -- ever talk about, EVER, is owning their own home because of the pitfalls of renting. I'm not sure I can communicate the leap that this idea represents vs. when we met ten years ago. They moved just a couple of months ago for the second time in ten years, issues with the previous landlord became untenable, and they managed to move into a nicer "room," that's the term they use. When his peers ask how it is that his kids are in school and they continue to live better he says, simply: "everything is possible."
So with a lot of help from my friends over many years, our collective support has done far more than cover some expenses. This family has an entirely new vision for itself. To be sure, the rate and pace of growth is not what we might expect it to be but it has been remarkable. With one in college, another now a pre-teen and the youngest just one or two years behind her, Amit and his wife marvel as all parents do not just at how fast they grow but how needs and expenses grow, too.
Staying on this side of the bold red line has worked very well and, sure, when I have extra I throw it their way as I did last month for Dhruv's 21st birthday and for a post-exam field trip for the two younger ones that they've missed in previous years (more on that in last month's update). Beyond that, for example, it's nice to have a bigger place but it would be nicer to have a table and chairs to sit at, for study and for dining. It would be nice to have a washing machine. It would be nice (getting close to critical) to have internet. It would be nice to save some money every month for that house. It would be nice to have a nest egg for repairs to the intrepid tuk-tuk which, so far, has performed wonderfully. Etc.
But all this project is responsible for is education expenses.
P E A C E ,
Steven
